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Lardner, Ring, 1885-1933

"The Real Dope"


Well as I say I would of gave anything for some one to of fired off a gun
or made some noise of some kind but when this here Phillips finely opened
up his clam and spoke I would of jumped a mile if they had of been any room
to jump anywheres. Well the sargent had told us not to say nothing but all
of a sudden right out loud this bird says this is a he--ll of a war. Well
I motioned back at him to shut up but of course he couldn't see me and he
thought I hadn't heard what he said so he said it over again so then I
thought maybe he hadn't heard the sargent's orders so I whispered to him
that he wasn't supposed to talk. Well Al they wasn't no way of keeping
him quite and he says "That's all bunk because I been out here before and
talked my head off and nothing happened." So I says well if you have got
to talk you don't half to yell it. So then he tried to whisper Al but his
whisper sounded like a jazz record with a crack in it so he says I'm not
yelling I am whispering so I said yes I have heard Hughey Jennings whisper
like that out on the lines.
So he shut up for a wile but pretty soon he busted out again and this
time he was louder then ever and he asked me could I sing and I said no I
couldn't so then he says well you can holler can't you so I said I suppose
I could so he says "Well I know how we could play a big joke on them square
heads. Lets the both of us begin yelling like a Indian and they will hear
us and they will think they's a whole crowd of us here and they will begin
bombing us or something and think they are going to kill a whole crowd
of Americans but it will only be us 2 and we can give them the laugh for
waisting their ammunitions.


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