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Lardner, Ring, 1885-1933

"The Real Dope"


[Illustration: When a gal gets stuck on you they will tell you everything
they know.]
But it don't seem fair to make love to them and pertend like I was nuts
over them and then when I had learned all they was to know I would half to
get rid of them and cast them to 1 side and god knows how many wounds I
will leave behind me but probably as many as though I was a regular soldier
or snipper but then I wouldn't feel so bad about it because it would be men
and not girlies but everything goes in war fair as they say Al and if Uncle
Sam and Gen. Pershing asks me to do it I will do whatever they ask me and
they can't nobody really hold it vs. me because of why I am doing it.
But talking about snippers Al I noticed today that I wasn't near as good as
usual in the riffle practice and it was like as if I was haveing a slump
like some of the boys does in baseball when they go along 5 or 6 days
without finding out who is umpireing the bases and I am afraid that is how
it would be with me in snipping I would be O. K. part of the time and the
rest of the time I couldn't hit Europe and maybe I would fall down when
they was depending on me and then I would feel like a rummy so I guess I
better not try and show up so good in practice even when I do feel O. K.
because they might make a snipper out of me without knowing my weakness and
I figure its something the matter with my eyes. Besides Al it don't seem
like its a fair game to be pecking away at somebody that they can't see
you and aren't looking for no supprise and its a whole lot different then
fighting with a bayonet where its man to man and may the best man win.


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